If I could fit it all into a title, I would

I'm not even sure when the last time I posted was...
Probably around October, which, believe it or not, was almost four months ago. Yup, I've been in Germany for five months now... which is basically half a year.
I can't explain how it feels to be here. But what I can explain is how frustrated I am with myself.
I knew I wanted to come back to Germany to study ever since I jumped off the plane in Boise a year and a half ago. Sure I considered college in America, but after breaking down in the middle of a U of I meet and greet, I knew Germany was my only option. Now, if I had been smart or cared about myself, I would've started putting all my stuff for the University together when I was still in America.
I could've retaken the SAT... taken Chemistry and finished Pre-Calc...
I could've found out and done SO MANY THINGS that would've made my life SO MUCH EASIER. But for some stupid reason, I told myself I'd figure it all out when I got here.
Well... for some stupid reason, when I got here, I figured I'd put it all together once the new year started.
And now.
Now I'm just realizing that I can't study right away, there are language tests I should've taken months ago, and LIFE DOESN'T JUST THROW ITSELF TOGETHER, YOU HAVE TO ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW, PUT SOME EFFORT IN.
...
If you can't tell already, I've been really kicking myself in the butt. I have now learned the lesson of being PRO ACTIVE about the things you want in life.
And now, because I didn't look up all this information ONE WHOLE YEAR AGO, I get to do it all last second and cross my fingers that this works out.
I am not proud of myself for all of this, and I'm not trying to complain in a way that sounds like "oh poor me, I didn't do all of this stuff and now it sucks", I'm trying to yell at myself like "you can do better, get your act together now!"
My first reaction when this all blew up in my face was to go home. Throw my hands up in the air, give myself the excuse that it was too hard for me, and go home. Reapply to BSU and start my cores.
But thankfully with the support of my two families, it was made obvious to me that that was the reaction of a fool.
I'm here in Germany because its my dream. And on top of that, becoming a teacher is my dream.
Life moves on... and life won't stop moving on ever, which means I have to pick up my pity party and move on.
I'm still really angry with myself... But I'll get there. I'll make it. Some way, some how...
anyways, that was a quick Torey-update for you.

In other news, I've been volunteering at a bilingual day care since the beginning of the year, which has been a really great experience for me, and I start another unpaid internship at a private bilingual school in March (which will hopefully turn into a paid internship by May).
I also ran about six kilometers today, which is pretty amazing to me. That I'm at least proud of.

I love everyone who supports me, and I can only thank the Kless Family and the Tanner Family a billion times for always being there for me.
I wish everyone a late Happy New Years!
And I hope the Spring comes soon for all

Nov./ Dec. Picture Post!!!! Merry Weichnachten!!!

 My November December picture post! To start off, I got to see my lovely Elliese again and we spent the day messing around in Hamburg and eating Kasebrodtchens and loving life, it was pretty fantastic! Glad she is doing so well here :)

 The weather has recently been nothing but rain, clouds and fog.... Which can be a little depressing from time to time, but I love it so much, I'm thankful that I can be outside every day!

 Birthday time! My birthday was about a month ago, so this post is a little late, but ohmygosh I'm 20 years old?!?!? Thats way too old in my opinion, but ok.... I accept it kind of.

It feels really great telling people that I'm 20 years old and having them size me up as if I'm lying about my age or something...
Thanks again to all my neighbors and family who came over and celebrated with me!

 Quick pick of the Toddy man and I on my birthday morning!

 And my present that I got from Tommy and Katja which is a super awesome Advents Kalendar!

Gorgeous blick of the Elbe after a wonderful breakfast with family and friends on St. Nicholas Day!
Quick lesson! St. Nick day is celebrated on the sixth of December and tradition is is that you clean your shoes, put them outside, and in the morning theres candy and awesome stuff in them!
Woo!

 And the christmas tree is up!! Its so much fun to put up the tree with friends and family, two weekends ago we had a tree warming party and got this sucker up! It looks great!

 Random picture of the sun being awesome after five days of rain.

 And the Hamburg Weinachtsmarkt! If you want to do Christmas anywhere, do it in Germany! Christmas markets are the bomb and Hamburg's is one of the best! One of my good friends from Boise High, Deana Jackson, spent a few hours with me in Hamburg checking out almost everything there is to see in Hamburg. It was wonderful to see her and to be reminded that Boise does exsist and I'm not crazy.

We had a really gorgeous evening, had some crepes, drank some awesome Christmas alcoholic drinks (Gluhwein, which the bomb I can't really explain what it is, but its simply the most amazing winter drink ever).

Quick update, I was able to visit my first kindergarten (which actually means daycare, the grade of kindergarten doesn't really exsist in the school system) today to see if I would like to do an internship, which I would love to! I had a wonderful time with the kids, and it was great to feel like I was working again. I have another kindergarten that I'll be checking out in January thats bilingual, which is hopefully also going to be an awesome experience.
Excited for christmas and the ski vacation! Glad that things are slowly but surely coming together and before I know it, I'll be studying!!!
I wish everyone an awesome Christmas and a good slide into the New Year!

Becoming Fluent Plus My Dritte Monat

Almost 90 days since I've gotten here and its strange that I have no return date to count forwards to...
Now that I've just devoured a giant chocolate santa, plus three of his tiny santa friends, I'm ready to give an account of third month here in Wedel.
Germany is and forever will be my home. I can hardly remember two years ago when it was all so new and strange to me, how exhausting it was to only have a basic grasp on the language and the awkward social interactions I encountered on a day to day basis.
In terms of language skills and social interactions, being and living my life in the German language has become instinct. Sure, I stumble through more complicated sentences, especially grammar wise, but for the most part, understanding German has finally been bumped up to a level where its not really understanding it, its just simply speaking. I can't really describe this strange phenomenon of learning a second language outside of your childhood and finally, after five years of studying the language, one and a half of which you were living in a country were it was spoken, you finally feel like you can tell people that you're fluent. I could only wish that everyone would be able to experience such a wonderful feeling, but it takes so much time and dedication if you don't have any background experience with the language. I feel blessed to have the opportunity to really study German in Germany and blessed for all the people who have made it happen :)
While my German skills are great, I'm positive that searching for a job where I'm teaching or working in English is going to be the best fit. Its literally my number one skill at the moment, which is sad because I know my sentence structure has gotten really funky since I got back to Germany. Next week I'm going to shadow in a preschool to see if its right for me, and the bilingual school that my little host brother attends is interested in having me do an internship with their younger classes. Job and study opportunities are so exciting, I can't handle the wait period for these things. After working forty hours a week all summer in Boise, not having a job is so incredibly frustrating. But I have to be patient. The winter has really been getting me down and I am constantly reminding myself that everything will come together...
I really don't have too much to say. Life here is as normal as life in the Kless house could be, which is totally not normal at all, but I love it. The challenges of life as direct and raw which is always good for life lessons and practices.
I'm excited for Christmas, but mostly excited for the ski vacation happening right afterwards!!
Along with the Christmas season (which is really the bomb diggity in Germany, I highly suggest Christmas Markets and the whole shabang if you're ever in Europe) comes a little bit of Heimweh, or homesickness. I just mostly miss my family, aunts and uncles and grandparents and cousins all included. My love goes out to all of them and I hope its an awesome Christmas!
Three weeks ago was my birthday which means I'm now two decades old which is really a strange feeling. Thanks to the Kless family, the Tanner family, and all my friends and neighbors for making it an awesome birthday!!
Pictures of my last month shall be included in the next post!

Picture post! October and November!

 If you love dogs, then you've come to the right blog because I can promise that half of my pictures on my phone are of this gorgeous guy!

Spent some much needed girl time with the one and only Linda!

 The Fall Market in Bremen! This was an excellent day! We drove the two hours to Bremen, hung out with my awesome host Grandm, Oma Ute, and visited the gigantic market there! It was tons of fun. Fun fact that everyone knows, you can drive as fast as you want on the autobahn! On the drive back, I'm sure we were going about 120 mph the whole way and honestly thats scary I can't stand it but ok Germans, you win.

 From the top of the ferris wheel!

 Rad mushroom in my front yard!

 I got to spend an hour on the beach with a profressional photographer/family friend who wanted to take pictures of Arthos! I also got a few not so professional photos in :)

They turned out so well!

Katja, Oma, and Toddy man! Sorry my pictures got a little messed up.... working from a tablet is always fun.

 And last but not least, I've been doing a lot of running and biking, and the fall has been so gorgeous this year, I'm often stopping to get a quick snap of the wonderland I'm lucky enough to experience everyday.

Two Months Plus MY BIRTHDAY?!?!?!

Two months is such a strange amount of time. Its as if I never left Germany.... But did I just get here? Who am I? Am I really turning 20 in a few days? The big two zero? Two decades of the world being blessed with my presence?
Is it really November? Is it really almost 2015? I find that it is often I'm asking myself these questions while time keeps on ticking forward without giving a damn about what I think of it. I'm not sure of the exact details about how time works, but what I do know is that its unforgiving, whether you chose to be hurt by it or not. Its probably the one variable we don't have control over in our lives.

Things, like always, have slowly been pulling together with grace and a lot of patience. I'm currently enrolled in a German class at the local community center which will add to my University language requirements when I apply in July. As of two weeks ago, I decided that I want to become a teacher. The idea has always been in the back of my head, but I never thought that I would pursue it... But it was the first thing that jumped out of my mouth when I finally asked myself to make a final decision. Not that a final decision was needed, but I was sick of not feeling like I had a plan. So I made one...
I'll start school next October, studying English and (insert other subject here... I'm thinking math) and in four years I'll have my bachelors degree, and two years after that, a masters in teaching those two subjects!

It feels wonderful to have a plan. To have all the papers in front of me and to feel ready to start this whole process of my career. Yet, on the other hand, the idea of the next seven years of my life dedicated to this city and country feels overwhelming. I knew from the beginning that this is what I want, but its always overwhelming... And sometimes it crushes me and sometimes the feeling pushes me to do better. I know once school starts I'll feel more secure and comfortable about it, but until I get accepted, I feel like I'm free falling. And sometimes that's what living is all about. Taking chances that you aren't %100 sure about. Nothing worth it is just going to happen with a snap... working towards this will be worth it whether its right for me or not...

Sorry for the mental blurb, I've been mulling this over way too often lately, but it feels nice to have it out of my head and on your screens. Lucky you, you get a personal look into Torey's life and thoughts!
I get to see Elliese again tomorrow! That's always a breath of fresh air to be with another Boiseian, makes me feel like I'm not the only strange half-hodunky person in Deutschland.

Just a quick shout out thanks to the Kless family, without them, I'm not quite sure where I would be. I love them so dearly...
And another big shout out hugs and kisses to my family in Boise!!! I'm so jealous of all the snow! Thank you guys for also being so supportive and lovely! I miss you all terribly!
I wish everyone a special November and stay warm!!!!!!!!!
PS CHECK OUT MY NEXT POST WITH PICTURES ATTACHED! SORRY THAT THE WHOLE BLOG IS IN BOLD SCRIPT.

Heimweh - Thoughts on Homesickness and my Previous Hatred towards Boise ID

So my homesickness finally arrived. Of course I was expecting it... I guess it just took me off guard. Swept me off my feet this morning in a very nonromantic way.
Homesickness has been a tricky friend of mine since I first started spending the night at my grandparents and grandmas house. You know what I mean right? You go to your grandparents house, its freaking awesome, you eat a bunch of sweets and watch movies that maybe you shouldn't be watching and its like the best time of your life! But then you're lying there on your grandmothers couch a few minutes after she tucks you in and you feel a hole in your heart. Like, oh geez, what if I need my mom tonight? What if I need my dad? What if they need me? It sinks in and the voices won't stop tugging at you until you burst into tears and end up calling your parents to rescue you from such terror. I had this happen so many times as a child. And in my teenage years when it wasn't cool to call your parents at sleepovers... The homesickness ate at me all the time. All I wanted was my bed, my dogs, and the security that I was there for my family at any moment of the night.
Moving to Germany was me facing homesickness, flipping it off, and moving on with my life. Or so I wanted it to be... But I remember those first six months clearly. They were full of tears, holes in my heart, and doubt. Was moving to another country for a year the right thing to do? I should've just stayed at home...
After six months, I found that the Kless's house felt like home to me, and while the Heimweh for Boise bugged me, it was overshadowed by how comfortable I was here. And when I left the Kless's to go back to Boise, it was another rough six months of having homesickness for Germany...
I don't think I'll ever live my life without homesickness. I was so homesick for Germany and when I got here, it was bliss. It was like waking up from a coma. Now that a month and one week has gone by, I feel the reality of leaving Boise.
While I never plan on living in Boise again, I will always miss it. I'll miss the mountains and the river, the Co-op stealing my money from me, the exciting moments when the Record Exchange had that one piece of music you were looking for... I'll miss the Hyde Park Street Fair, the time of year when the hot air ballons show up and you think to yourself "damn its that time of year already?". I'll miss midnight drives up to Bogus, the ability to get out of town and barely make it home on a half tank of gas... I'll miss walking past Boise High while on a guilt trip work out sesh at the YMCA.
Home sickness it not just about missing your house and your family... its about missing a community. While Boise simply was not the place for me to start my adult life, I will always love and respect it as a city that it simply gorgeous and full of life.

Pictures from the first month!

Because I can't control the format very well, just check out this random assortment of photos from the last month! Sorry that its backwards, but pictures of what my room first looked like is at the end... :) then just a few photos from hiking along the Elbe, hanging out with my Toddy man and Linda :) and! I also got to see my friend Elliese from Boise who is doing an exchange year in Flensburg, only a few hours away from Hamburg :)